After a first stand up show, then a first public performance in a big band (albeit a chaotic one) with the alto sax that I hadn’t played in at least a year… here’s me dressed all fem outside the flat, going to Pride and ON A FREAKING FLOAT. A nerve-wracking triple first that went amazingly well. What a day!
This year has definitely seen me smash those comfort zones…
Shifting lines in the sand Of love and intimacy Ebbing and flowing Never really settling Heart lost in idiosyncrasy Everything ahead a foreign land An unraveled strand Of misleading intricacy I’m blind but tottering With an inkling I will find mercy By your hand
The heartbreaks The pains The failures of life I call them my Kintsugi moments I pick up the pieces of me That are broken Put them back together Lovingly And paint the cracks with gold Its light shimmers And guides my way forward Always brighter
Today marks 30 months on HRT The past 2.5 years have seen so much personal growth, and yet in many ways I’m still at the beginning of my journey… 2024 is definitely shaping up to be a year of rediscovery and rebuilding one’s sense of self. I’m aiming towards reaching my 3rd anniversary with newfound social confidence, making new friendships, and who knows, if I’m very lucky, maybe more…
I won’t post any timeline selfie today because emotions run a tad too high and I’m a bit of a mess, but deep down the spirit is there.
She hits me Like a wall of bricks The weight of a thousand unearned expectations Drags me down Into the deep What is it now, the face, the eyes The skin, the everything, And anything in between The harshest critic The mother of all bullies Unwelcome Yet ever present In an instant changing From shadow to red hot pincers dissecting my soul She knows me well This relentless foe Knows my fears And secrets And dreams For she is me The darkest me My dysphoria
As we reach the middle of this Transgender Awareness Week, today marks two anniversaries: two years since I started transitioning and one year since I came out socially. To say that I was fortunate would be a vast understatement: the reactions from my family, friends and colleagues have been and continue to be overwhelmingly positive, and my now-not-so-new job (another one year anniversary!) has been incredibly supportive and kind.
Even though I regained the pounds I lost during that first year (I’m working on it okay?), I have never felt so in tune with my body and my feelings. Everything feels “right”. I won’t say there are no ups and downs, no moments of doubt, no occasional dip into darkness… but I increasingly come out of these stronger and more determined to stay the course, because I know it’s the correct one. I look in the mirror now and I see me, the real me, no longer a glimpse from the corner of my eye, but real and defiant and looking back, as if to ask what’s next.
What’s next? I don’t know. But the journey so far has been profoundly validating and meaningful, and joyful too. And to be able to share this joy and validation, and my deep gratitude, during this week, is a privilege.
Thank you to all my family, friends, colleagues and allies who supported me, and support the community, in these uncertain years. You make a difference.
I act like I don’t care As the insults sting I act like I don’t care As you deny my humanity I act like I don’t care As you sneer and mock I act like I don’t care Because giving you reactions Would fuel the fire Because biting back Is what you expect Because you prod and provoke And see me as lesser than you I act like I don’t care Swallowing back tears Knuckles white Showing nothing of the rage inside I act like I don’t care To deny you this satisfaction But I do And while your hate hurts It hurts a thousand times more That in my weakest moments I believe you
This isn’t really a mini-review but I just wanted to share how I loved watching this show these past few weeks.
My sappy side is on full display for this one. I’ll admit I kinda cry easily and I’ve been teary-eyed more than once, but I gotta say one of Season 3’s plotlines downright shattered me because it was so similar to what happened to my family last year, it was rough…
At the same time, it’s so funny to stop and do the math sometimes and realize seasons don’t actually represent years. Indeed within these first four seasons, it seems not even a single semester has passed, as one of the characters found out she was pregnant early in Season 1 and is still only five months pregnant at the end of Season 4… Yet characters got shot, stabbed, kidnapped, blackmailed, arrested, freed, engaged, not engaged, pregnant, lost their house, fought, reconciled, you name it. This must be the most intense year ever for these guys!
But what keeps me going back is simple. I just love the friendships and camaraderie in this show, the fact the whole town is like an extended family to each other (and their absolute addiction to gossip is also so funny), it’s so sweet, and with how the world has been going lately I think I needed that.
After careful consideration and much back and forth, I decided to pull the plug on the TUW trilogy, indefinitely.
In spite of a new outline and fresh start, I’m struggling with the writing/rewriting and I’ve also come to think that, given how science and sci-fi concepts have evolved in the past decades, and how real-world politics have as well to a certain extent, several aspects of the story would no longer work for a modern release. In the end, there is so much to change or update that it would cause the story to lose many of the plot elements I envisioned, notably a critical event in the second book that was the main inciting incident for the third.
I’m not abandoning this universe just yet. I might revisit it with short stories, or a different story, or aspects of TUW from another POV… But after close to 30 years, maybe it’s time to realize that maybe this story, at all the different stages from 1994 to 2001 to 2008 to today, was only meant to be a training stage, and nothing more.
March being what it was (i.e. a bitch), there’s also that besides the issues with TUW itself, I feel that I simply tried to do too much too quick. Between work, family stuff, my transition, the news… I’ll be taking a break from writing altogether for the next few weeks. I need to center myself and see where I’m at, and tackle the next project with mindfulness and clarity.