ashes (poetry scraps #15)

2024.11.07

I don’t know what it is
I don’t know what it isn’t
That for some reason
I am not worthy of your love
I don’t know what it is
I don’t know what it isn’t
That for some reason
I am not worthy of my own
Maybe this is the answer to that
Maybe the mirror cracked
When I looked at it
Presumptuous and vain
Thinking I was ready
Maybe the mirror cracked
To show me not the way
But my distortions
When I knew them by heart
and thought them conquered
Presumptuous and vain
Running not towards light
But false reflections
When the mirror cracked
And I realized that for all my efforts
I would never reach
When the mirror cracked
And my distortions exploded
And my hopes were shattered
Into as many razor-sharp shards
Presumptuous
Vain
Vanquished
I don’t know what it is
That makes me recoil
The reflection showed a broken path
And I fell
And maybe this time
I am tired
And maybe this time
I don’t get up
And maybe this time
I learn the bitter lesson
I don’t know what it is
I don’t know what it isn’t
That makes me so
But the die is cast
And it is faith gone
And it is hope lost
Because the mirror cracked
And the light was snuffed
And I got lost
In the ashes of dead dreams

fue como un adios (fragmentos poéticos #14)

2024.11.06

y por si es la última vez que nos escribimos,
rayo de sol entre las nubes más oscuras,
si este hilo de Ariadna que te dí acaba roto
por culpa de los ladrillos agrietados
de esos muros que construyo a mi alrededor
que sepas que nunca te quiero olvidar a ti tampoco

me impediré buscar tu nombre en aeropuertos
en canciones o poemas
en hilos, en conversación, en redes
ciega seré para mejor despertar, algún día
con gratitud intacta, y paz, y amor
anhelo y esperanza de un corazón abierto de nuevo

Loneliness

2024.10.22

Lots of sad little poetry fragments there lately, yeah. Many unpublished. I’m not doing too well… Where even to begin?

So many emotions bursting at the seams. Bittersweet sorrows, unrequited love, heartbreak like I never thought possible. I’m a mass of confused demons each pulling in every directions, dark thoughts mixed with elation, the most wonderful love for a most wonderful person who cannot return the feeling, a terrible abyss of loneliness and despair lined with the tiniest sliver of hope that this is not all for nothing….

Was it all for nothing?

When I started this journey, I knew the bargain and accepted it freely, but it feels insurmountable sometimes to reach a point where a relationship might be on the table again. I struggle so much to accept my current situation, because how likely it is that I will strike gold a third time? Find a soul as beautiful and precious as theirs, who ALSO wants me? It feels like such a ludicrous pipe dream I can’t even take it seriously. Such optimism feels borderline insulting.

And I am devastated by this. Truly, utterly heartbroken. Right person wrong time is just a fancy way of saying wrong person, and the cruel clarity of it makes me profoundly miserable.

Yes, I do therapy. But some days you just need to vent into the void.

a poetry brothel…

2024.10.05

I went to something super special tonight, called prostíbulo poético, or poetry brothel. It took place in an old basement, reminiscent of a speakeasy, or maybe more accurately a Spanish interpretation of one, or one of those old-school interwar salons full of drunkards and writers, dreamers and hedonists (but aren’t we all one or the other?) with all the accoutrements of seduction and decadence, that feels both clandestine and deliciously subversive.

The event is hosted by a Madame, (obviously) who introduces her girls one by one, before they recite a piece of poetry. Then, as patrons mingle, drinks are bought and cigarettes are lit (indoors! another act of rebellion), if one doesn’t have a token, one can play dice with the Madame for one. The token is an extra, the price for asking one of the poets in a vis-a-vis, a personal recital.

In exchange for the token, the chosen poet takes you to a secluded corner, away from the crowd, and after a brief conversation, she asks you to close your eyes, and whispers a poem to your ear, just for you. Then she releases you and you both rejoin the others, and she wanders, waiting for the next one who will call to her.

It was godamn fantastic.

planning

2024.09.26

Time for preflight…

The 2025 season is likely to be memorable with the 80th anniversary of the end of WW2 (this year was marked by the 80th anniversary of D-Day but unfortunately I couldn’t make it to any of them), which will probably be a focus of Le Temps des Hélices at Ferté-Alais and Air Legends in Melun, and the return of the Biscarrosse Rassemblement International d’Hydravions airshow after being cancelled this year because of the Olympics… (At least they said it was moved and not cancelled… Not sure yet if that’s confirmed, and also not sure if this means we’ll get two RIHB in a row, or if the two year schedule is now odd-numbered years…)

I’m very excited by RIHB in particular and really, really, really hope it happens because I haven’t been at the Bisca airshow since 2012! I was all set to go this year until they dropped the news it was cancelled and it was a real bummer.

Going to either Ferté or Melun, I’m pretty set on taking this opportunity to book a flight on a T-6 with Aero Vintage Academy, with whom I flew on a Stearman some years ago… although that could change to a Travelair 400 flight under certain circumstances. To be confirmed.

Here’s to an exciting season of plane spotting, flying and photography!

poetry scraps #13

2024.09.24

No one
No one’s first thought in the morning
No one’s good morning text
No one’s “tell me about your day”
No one’s “this made me think of you”
No one’s “welcome home”
No one’s “I love you”
No one to fill the void
No one’s someone
Invisible
Broken
Alone
Watching the sea erase
My footprints in the sand
Til not a trace remains
That I was ever here
But there’s no one
To notice

three little words (poetry scraps #12)

2024.09.23

how is it that three little words can make a heart feel so big
yet make a soul feel so small
a cry for connections impossible
unanswered prayers lost in the depths
though the heart stays afloat, fighting against the current
pretending to swim as it tries not to drown
elated yet crushed at the same time
wondering why it keeps bidding for attention
desperate compulsion born of desperate thoughts
three little words that carry so much weight
but they’re so deep inside it can’t be freed
dark waters rise under the shadow of an indifferent moon
and the cold light of distant stars
the heart feels
but the soul knows
and pain overcomes everything
until my feet touch the bottom
and I can finally stand and breathe
on Lethe’s shore, the final crossing
forgetting everything and everyone
forgetting these three words
even existed
maybe then, peace



fragmentos poéticos #11

2024.09.17

Alma rebelde
Y salvaje
Que se libra
De cualquier jaula
Alma bella
Y brillante
Que ilumina
El más oscuro de los días
Ojos que reflejan el mundo
Con sed de horizontes lejanos
Anhelo de tierras desconocidas
Alegría del movimiento perpetuo
Sin anclajes
Solo quizá, un hilo
Invisible y delicado
Que te di como Ariadna
Confiando en que no lo soltarías
Un hilo precioso y frágil
Uniendo nuestras almas
Mientras espero tu regreso
Pajarito salvaje
No seré nunca jaula ni anclaje
Sino nido, abierto y cálido
Un refugio seguro
Siempre que quieras descansar

Adjustments

2024.09.15

After the mess that this summer has been and considering my general state of mind about… *waves around* stuff… I’m scaling back a few things.

I deleted my linktr.ee thing and downgraded my Insta to a personal, private account.

I’ve deleted all my poetry from Insta as well, and will no longer be sharing it there. I can’t quite put my finger on what exactly happened, probably a combination of factors (in no small part the aforementioned summer), but it felt too exposed. As a result, I’m withdrawing from that particular stage.

I’m not entirely sure about keeping it posted here to be honest. Not that anyone reads this page except me, I know my numbers. This website sees as much traffic as a deserted gas station on the side of an abandoned road. But it’s still public and that means I might feel too exposed here too at some point. We’ll see. Right now I’m kind of ok with it though.

It might sound like I’m retreating into my shell for safety and that’s in a way exactly what it is. These past few months have seen me take risks and challenge the boundaries of my comfort zone to an extent I had never done before, and while I’m proud of it, it also took its toll and as tides ebb and flow, so does my mental health. I’m limiting my online exposure to focus on therapy, restoring my lost routines, and expanding more meaningful IRL connections. I can only do so much, and socials are the easiest branch to cut off.

Anyway that’s the update, adjusting the sails. Heartbreaks and emotional upheavals don’t fix themselves in a day. I’m not well yet but I’ll get there.

Blues Sister

2024.09.07

It’s 380 miles to Asturias, I have a full tank of gas, a full pack of gummy bears, it’s daylight and I’m wearing sunglasses.

Let’s hit it.