It’s becoming clearer every day that a change of tack is necessary. So let’s make it happen.
I’m putting comedy on hold for now. My last show was an absolute blast and I’m leaving on this high, until further notice. I’m changing some things about my appearance (which may or may not be an attempt at fending off depression đ don’t ask). And I’m gonna be back in earnest to make TCG happen by the end of year.
You don’t complain about the wind, you just adjust the sails.
There’s a saying in aviation that goes “There are two types of pilots, the ones who have crashed, and the ones who will.”
Similarly, in comedy, “There are two types of comedians, the ones who have bombed, and the ones who will.”
And as of yesterday with Show #18, I’m in the former.
It’s an interesting learning experience, to say the least. And as unpleasant as it was, I’m glad I had it before going to Lisbon in two weeks. Gives me an opportunity to plan for contingencies.
We never stop learning.
What a whirlwind this January was. The clouds seem to clear for the first time in very long, and the future is looking bright as hell. Such an unexpected 180 turn, it makes me dizzy just thinking about it. My heart is full of gratitude and renewed strength. Bring it 2025. đŞâď¸
Pictured above, such a pleasure to be back on stage yesterday at the Comedy Clubhouse for Midweek crisis comedy! Set #11 and counting!
2024 was probably the most exhilarating and the most difficult year in my entire life. A year of love and heartbreak, a year of stage fright and acclaim, a year of Pride and getting more comfortable in my queer identity…
⢠I got the semicolon tattoo I’d thought about for years
⢠I started doing stand up comedy and now have seven shows under my belt (#8 next thursday 9th)
⢠I got a “Best Audience Member” award at the Barcelona Comedy Awards 2024 (this one cracks me up!)
⢠I had my ears pierced
⢠I went out dressed full fem and went to Pride and rode a float
⢠I go out dressed more fem/less masc and feel more and more comfortable with it every time
⢠I fell in love with the wrong person despite my best efforts not to, and it caused me the most intense and difficult heartbreak I’ve ever had to go through in my entire life (this is not hyperbole. 2024, you win that fucking crown you bitch).
⢠And to my friend, I’m sorry that I couldn’t do better.
⢠I made absolutely wonderful new friendships and surrounded myself with the most amazing chosen family.
This year, I intend to continue on this path of healing, healing my heart and soul, healing my broken relationship with myself, regaining self-love and acceptance, doing theater, going to more shows and concerts…
2025, you better be different. I no longer hold hope for relationships, or romance, or anything beyond surviving and getting better. 2024 taught me I can only count on myself to do that. The loss I’ve experienced has scarred me for many months to come, but I’ve survived before. I will survive again.
Even if, as BlĂź Eyes put it, healing fucking hurts sometimes.
This letting go thing is never easy, but it was necessary, and the mind knew it way before the heart could. I find comfort in knowing Iâm stronger for it and climbing this mountain a little bit higher every day, and my heart is in a safer place now, even if I donât know when it will ever be ready to open itself up again.
Truth is, the beauty that these awakenings happened at all is a gift that will remain dear to my heart long after any lingering pain is gone. It rekindled and brought out of me emotions that I thought lost forever, and for this I am so tremendously grateful.
And I truly cannot think of a worthier person I could have felt them for.
Three years ago today, I started a journey. Who knew a couple of pills could be so daunting? Taking them for the first time was without a doubt the bravest thing Iâve ever done in my entire life.
Two years ago, I told the world. I braced for consequences⌠and received nothing but love and acceptance. I am very fortunate in this regards. Not all of us have this chance.
And last year, I realised something was missing to go full circle. If 2024 could be summed up in two words, they would be âgrowing painsâ. But if it could be summed up in one word, it would be âgrowingâ.
This year was a year of the lowest lows and the highest highs. It was a year of smashing comfort zones and going farther than ever before. It was a year of firsts, a year of Pride, a year of friendships. A year of recovery too, and healing, and rebuilding foundations.
My heart is full of joy and gratefulness today for all the old and new friends who supported and uplifted me in this journey. One in particular stands out for bringing into my life so much light, and inspiration, and warmth. Thank you dearest I. for your unwavering kindness and your indomitable spirit, and for helping me through the worst days. To count you as my friend is truly a gift, and I am eternally thankful for it.
My gratitude also goes to many more, I canât list everyone who made a difference, because they all did.
The fourth year begins now. They say struggles prepare you for the great things coming your way. If thatâs the case, I canât wait to see what 2025 is going to bring.
Iâm Rachel, and Iâm here to fucking stay.
Take care, loves â¤ď¸ We got this.
xo
Chel
After the mess that this summer has been and considering my general state of mind about… *waves around* stuff… I’m scaling back a few things.
I deleted my linktr.ee thing and downgraded my Insta to a personal, private account.
I’ve deleted all my poetry from Insta as well, and will no longer be sharing it there. I can’t quite put my finger on what exactly happened, probably a combination of factors (in no small part the aforementioned summer), but it felt too exposed. As a result, I’m withdrawing from that particular stage.
I’m not entirely sure about keeping it posted here to be honest. Not that anyone reads this page except me, I know my numbers. This website sees as much traffic as a deserted gas station on the side of an abandoned road. But it’s still public and that means I might feel too exposed here too at some point. We’ll see. Right now Iâm kind of ok with it though.
It might sound like I’m retreating into my shell for safety and that’s in a way exactly what it is. These past few months have seen me take risks and challenge the boundaries of my comfort zone to an extent I had never done before, and while I’m proud of it, it also took its toll and as tides ebb and flow, so does my mental health. I’m limiting my online exposure to focus on therapy, restoring my lost routines, and expanding more meaningful IRL connections. I can only do so much, and socials are the easiest branch to cut off.
Anyway that’s the update, adjusting the sails. Heartbreaks and emotional upheavals don’t fix themselves in a day. I’m not well yet but I’ll get there.
After careful consideration and much back and forth, I decided to pull the plug on the TUW trilogy, indefinitely.
In spite of a new outline and fresh start, I’m struggling with the writing/rewriting and I’ve also come to think that, given how science and sci-fi concepts have evolved in the past decades, and how real-world politics have as well to a certain extent, several aspects of the story would no longer work for a modern release. In the end, there is so much to change or update that it would cause the story to lose many of the plot elements I envisioned, notably a critical event in the second book that was the main inciting incident for the third.
I’m not abandoning this universe just yet. I might revisit it with short stories, or a different story, or aspects of TUW from another POV… But after close to 30 years, maybe it’s time to realize that maybe this story, at all the different stages from 1994 to 2001 to 2008 to today, was only meant to be a training stage, and nothing more.
March being what it was (i.e. a bitch), there’s also that besides the issues with TUW itself, I feel that I simply tried to do too much too quick. Between work, family stuff, my transition, the news… I’ll be taking a break from writing altogether for the next few weeks. I need to center myself and see where I’m at, and tackle the next project with mindfulness and clarity.
Chel
I finally got around to updating http://www.rachelrelat.net/ and everything is now back online as it was before, with new Amazon links for the two Ascalon books and the Planes of Ascalon companion booklets that go with them…
I kept the promo images as they were, only updating the cover images, despite the fact that the quoted reviews are now unavailable. It’s quite a disappointment that I had to lose them, to tell the truth, and I hope potential readers won’t judge me for clinging to them, given the lack of new ones to replace them. And if they do, well… C’est la vie.
In other news, January’s been pretty quiet, but production is ramping up on the sci-fi front, the plan is still to have the first draft of The Uncertain War completed by end of year. Plan for the French translation of TDR being published by summer is also nicely back on track.
2022 was a shit year for the most part but improved significantly towards the end: new job, new car, my coming out⌠and without a doubt the best gift of all, adopting my little Mochi.
She’s approximately four years old and went through several homes, so it was important to give her a forever home that would be loving, quiet and secure. To the pleasant surprise of the shelter folks, who thought it would take her time to trust someone again after all these setbacks, she adopted me immediately, coming for pets, purring, exploring, and being overall playful and confident around the flat after just a few days. January 2nd marks three months with her and I couldnât be happier. I love her to bits, sheâs the sweetest cat you could imagine. It took me ten years to be ready to adopt again after losing Gally, and I guess that’s how much time the world needed to to find her a worthy successor! Well, we found each other, at last, and I feel incredibly lucky about that.
So thank you 2022, you still sucked… but you weren’t all bad.