This letting go thing is never easy, but it was necessary, and the mind knew it way before the heart could. I find comfort in knowing I’m stronger for it and climbing this mountain a little bit higher every day, and my heart is in a safer place now, even if I don’t know when it will ever be ready to open itself up again.
Truth is, the beauty that these awakenings happened at all is a gift that will remain dear to my heart long after any lingering pain is gone. It rekindled and brought out of me emotions that I thought lost forever, and for this I am so tremendously grateful.
And I truly cannot think of a worthier person I could have felt them for.
Three years ago today, I started a journey. Who knew a couple of pills could be so daunting? Taking them for the first time was without a doubt the bravest thing I’ve ever done in my entire life.
Two years ago, I told the world. I braced for consequences… and received nothing but love and acceptance. I am very fortunate in this regards. Not all of us have this chance.
And last year, I realised something was missing to go full circle. If 2024 could be summed up in two words, they would be “growing pains“. But if it could be summed up in one word, it would be “growing“.
This year was a year of the lowest lows and the highest highs. It was a year of smashing comfort zones and going farther than ever before. It was a year of firsts, a year of Pride, a year of friendships. A year of recovery too, and healing, and rebuilding foundations.
My heart is full of joy and gratefulness today for all the old and new friends who supported and uplifted me in this journey. One in particular stands out for bringing into my life so much light, and inspiration, and warmth. Thank you dearest I. for your unwavering kindness and your indomitable spirit, and for helping me through the worst days. To count you as my friend is truly a gift, and I am eternally thankful for it.
My gratitude also goes to many more, I can’t list everyone who made a difference, because they all did.
The fourth year begins now. They say struggles prepare you for the great things coming your way. If that’s the case, I can’t wait to see what 2025 is going to bring.
After the mess that this summer has been and considering my general state of mind about… *waves around* stuff… I’m scaling back a few things.
I deleted my linktr.ee thing and downgraded my Insta to a personal, private account.
I’ve deleted all my poetry from Insta as well, and will no longer be sharing it there. I can’t quite put my finger on what exactly happened, probably a combination of factors (in no small part the aforementioned summer), but it felt too exposed. As a result, I’m withdrawing from that particular stage.
I’m not entirely sure about keeping it posted here to be honest. Not that anyone reads this page except me, I know my numbers. This website sees as much traffic as a deserted gas station on the side of an abandoned road. But it’s still public and that means I might feel too exposed here too at some point. We’ll see. Right now I’m kind of ok with it though.
It might sound like I’m retreating into my shell for safety and that’s in a way exactly what it is. These past few months have seen me take risks and challenge the boundaries of my comfort zone to an extent I had never done before, and while I’m proud of it, it also took its toll and as tides ebb and flow, so does my mental health. I’m limiting my online exposure to focus on therapy, restoring my lost routines, and expanding more meaningful IRL connections. I can only do so much, and socials are the easiest branch to cut off.
Anyway that’s the update, adjusting the sails. Heartbreaks and emotional upheavals don’t fix themselves in a day. I’m not well yet but I’ll get there.
After careful consideration and much back and forth, I decided to pull the plug on the TUW trilogy, indefinitely.
In spite of a new outline and fresh start, I’m struggling with the writing/rewriting and I’ve also come to think that, given how science and sci-fi concepts have evolved in the past decades, and how real-world politics have as well to a certain extent, several aspects of the story would no longer work for a modern release. In the end, there is so much to change or update that it would cause the story to lose many of the plot elements I envisioned, notably a critical event in the second book that was the main inciting incident for the third.
I’m not abandoning this universe just yet. I might revisit it with short stories, or a different story, or aspects of TUW from another POV… But after close to 30 years, maybe it’s time to realize that maybe this story, at all the different stages from 1994 to 2001 to 2008 to today, was only meant to be a training stage, and nothing more.
March being what it was (i.e. a bitch), there’s also that besides the issues with TUW itself, I feel that I simply tried to do too much too quick. Between work, family stuff, my transition, the news… I’ll be taking a break from writing altogether for the next few weeks. I need to center myself and see where I’m at, and tackle the next project with mindfulness and clarity.
I finally got around to updating http://www.rachelrelat.net/ and everything is now back online as it was before, with new Amazon links for the two Ascalon books and the Planes of Ascalon companion booklets that go with them…
I kept the promo images as they were, only updating the cover images, despite the fact that the quoted reviews are now unavailable. It’s quite a disappointment that I had to lose them, to tell the truth, and I hope potential readers won’t judge me for clinging to them, given the lack of new ones to replace them. And if they do, well… C’est la vie.
In other news, January’s been pretty quiet, but production is ramping up on the sci-fi front, the plan is still to have the first draft of The Uncertain War completed by end of year. Plan for the French translation of TDR being published by summer is also nicely back on track.
2022 was a shit year for the most part but improved significantly towards the end: new job, new car, my coming out… and without a doubt the best gift of all, adopting my little Mochi.
She’s approximately four years old and went through several homes, so it was important to give her a forever home that would be loving, quiet and secure. To the pleasant surprise of the shelter folks, who thought it would take her time to trust someone again after all these setbacks, she adopted me immediately, coming for pets, purring, exploring, and being overall playful and confident around the flat after just a few days. January 2nd marks three months with her and I couldn’t be happier. I love her to bits, she’s the sweetest cat you could imagine. It took me ten years to be ready to adopt again after losing Gally, and I guess that’s how much time the world needed to to find her a worthy successor! Well, we found each other, at last, and I feel incredibly lucky about that.
So thank you 2022, you still sucked… but you weren’t all bad.
The Ascalon paperbacks are live again at last on Amazon! Thanks for the xmas gift KDP!
With this update now complete, I will now restore the corresponding pages here as well as the Planes of Ascalon companion pieces in the downloads section.
As for future works, 2022 having been the annus horribilis that it was, all my timelines have shifted more or less a year. Next year right now is looking to be pretty much entirely focused on sci-fi, as I really want to complete the first draft of TUW and send it for editing before the year is out, for a revised target publication date of 2024. I’m pushing The Commodore’s Gold a bit farther down the line as a result; however, French Ascalon fans rejoice, as the French translation of The Dragon Run will hit the shelves some time this year, probably in time for the summer holidays.
Done! Ebooks are resubmitted and paperback proofs are underway. If everything checks out, I could have all versions back on sale like before as soon as next week. Stay tuned!
Okay, so updating names on Amazon kinda worked… but kinda didn’t. As it turns out, once published, the print version of a book cannot be unpublished (something something second-hand sales as per KDP support), so the versions with my birth name on them are going to stay there indefinitely it seems, unless I file a copyright claim against… myself. Which yeah, is ridiculous.
Anyway, long story short, I registered a brand new author profile on KDP, and I will resubmit my books for publication from this new profile in the coming days. This way, while the other versions might appear in search results, at least they won’t be listed side by side with the new when someone visits my author profile.
While all this is going on, sorry for any inconvenience caused. (Let’s face, given the popularity of my titles, I don’t think I’m losing any sale anyway! Ha ha *sad laugh*).
Fingers crossed that I’m not flagged for impersonating myself in a different profile, given what I’ve seen of how everything works that’s a risk I guess… At some point, after I publish Ascalon #3 and my profile is more established, I might file that copyright claim and nuke the original profile.
Last year, I stood at a threshold, unsure of what would happen after I walked through. I set to make my 42nd round around the sun the year where I would “build my own answer” to Life, the Universe, and Everything that is, in a wink to Douglas Adams.
It’s been a year of transition not just in terms of my journey with gender, it’s been a transition at virtually every level in my life. A move. A breakup. A new job. A new car. A new kitty. A new relationship with my family, a new loneliness of a kind I never knew before, the closure of a secret garden, in the words of my dear Saint-Ex, and a new, secret regret that time passes relentless, and its wake sometimes hurts to the core.
It was a year of Grief, learning to live without dad. A year of Joy, learning to live as myself. A year of Light, as I stepped out of the closet…
And this year, technically, has now ended.
It’s a bit early for 2023 goals, but I’m looking ahead at that 43rd revolution as a year that will hopefully bring quietness to the turmoil. More stability and confidence, as I progress in my transition, as I settle in my new job, as I rebuild, as Najwa Zebian so beautifully says, a new home for my soul.
Here’s to a year of quiet, content growth, of warmth, and joy.
