I miss her so much. I know it’s necessary, I know it’s for my own good, I know all that. But god, the pain. All I have left is cherish the memories of a few blessed weeks in October, before everything blew up in my face, and wonder how it’s possible that for these brief moments, I could be so happy.
The only way I had left to be the friend I wanted to be… was to no longer be friends, and remove myself from the situation. And we both knew it. But good lord, cutting off contact feels like ripping out my own heart.
2024 was probably the most exhilarating and the most difficult year in my entire life. A year of love and heartbreak, a year of stage fright and acclaim, a year of Pride and getting more comfortable in my queer identity…
• I got the semicolon tattoo I’d thought about for years
• I started doing stand up comedy and now have seven shows under my belt (#8 next thursday 9th)
• I got a “Best Audience Member” award at the Barcelona Comedy Awards 2024 (this one cracks me up!)
• I had my ears pierced
• I went out dressed full fem and went to Pride and rode a float
• I go out dressed more fem/less masc and feel more and more comfortable with it every time
• I fell in love with the wrong person despite my best efforts not to, and it caused me the most intense and difficult heartbreak I’ve ever had to go through in my entire life (this is not hyperbole. 2024, you win that fucking crown you bitch).
• And to my friend, I’m sorry that I couldn’t do better.
• I made absolutely wonderful new friendships and surrounded myself with the most amazing chosen family.
This year, I intend to continue on this path of healing, healing my heart and soul, healing my broken relationship with myself, regaining self-love and acceptance, doing theater, going to more shows and concerts…
2025, you better be different. I no longer hold hope for relationships, or romance, or anything beyond surviving and getting better. 2024 taught me I can only count on myself to do that. The loss I’ve experienced has scarred me for many months to come, but I’ve survived before. I will survive again.
Even if, as Blü Eyes put it, healing fucking hurts sometimes.
Finishing the year with an unexpected SEVENTH SET thanks to the Comedy Clubhouse’s Midweek Crisis show!! 😄 Thank you Mila for hosting and Mara for the picture!
I needed this so much. Having driven back home just a few hours earlier after Christmas with the family, doing this show felt like being back with my tribe. The comedy community in Barcelona is amazing and I love every single one of these wonderful people. ❤️
Let it be Let my soul be your light Let my tears be your water Let my arms be your soil So that you bloom like you deserve Let it be all that Have faith again And find love anew So that mine was not in vain
The band plays on the sidewalk Trumpet glimmering in the sun But I don’t hear the joy Headphones on Listening to sad songs Lone terrace patron Drinking her coffee Added sugar but all I taste is salt From the tears I repress Not in public Not now They’ll flow later But for now The band plays on the sidewalk And I don’t hear a single note And the world is salt
I bought this top from Shein close to six years ago (hey shut up Shein was great for a closeted trans girl trying out things) and until tonight I had never worn it out of the house. And a lot of the compliments I got throughout the evening were about how good it looked on me, which yeah, not disagreeing 😜 💅
But on a seriouser note, another lot of compliments was about my set and I’m so very happy about that. Talking about and sharing my trans experience on stage in a standup comedy setting is a great way for me to feel like I do my part, as small as it is, to bring my community to the light and bring out awareness with laughter and good vibes.
The crowd last night was amazing. All the comedians were brilliant. And the atmosphere was absolutely fucking incredible, full of joy and allyship and love. With everything that’s happening in the world from the US to the UK to France to even Spain now, last night was validating as fuck, not just as a comedian or a transgender woman, but as a human being. And I felt so good today, you guys. So good. After weeks of depression, it’s a breath of fresh air and I needed this, so much.
Thank you AtoMIC Comedy Barcelona for nurturing this safe space for women and LGBTQIA+ comedians in Barcelona ❤️❤️❤️ This AtoMIC baby is very grateful.
This letting go thing is never easy, but it was necessary, and the mind knew it way before the heart could. I find comfort in knowing I’m stronger for it and climbing this mountain a little bit higher every day, and my heart is in a safer place now, even if I don’t know when it will ever be ready to open itself up again.
Truth is, the beauty that these awakenings happened at all is a gift that will remain dear to my heart long after any lingering pain is gone. It rekindled and brought out of me emotions that I thought lost forever, and for this I am so tremendously grateful.
And I truly cannot think of a worthier person I could have felt them for.
Three years ago today, I started a journey. Who knew a couple of pills could be so daunting? Taking them for the first time was without a doubt the bravest thing I’ve ever done in my entire life.
Two years ago, I told the world. I braced for consequences… and received nothing but love and acceptance. I am very fortunate in this regards. Not all of us have this chance.
And last year, I realised something was missing to go full circle. If 2024 could be summed up in two words, they would be “growing pains“. But if it could be summed up in one word, it would be “growing“.
This year was a year of the lowest lows and the highest highs. It was a year of smashing comfort zones and going farther than ever before. It was a year of firsts, a year of Pride, a year of friendships. A year of recovery too, and healing, and rebuilding foundations.
My heart is full of joy and gratefulness today for all the old and new friends who supported and uplifted me in this journey. One in particular stands out for bringing into my life so much light, and inspiration, and warmth. Thank you dearest I. for your unwavering kindness and your indomitable spirit, and for helping me through the worst days. To count you as my friend is truly a gift, and I am eternally thankful for it.
My gratitude also goes to many more, I can’t list everyone who made a difference, because they all did.
The fourth year begins now. They say struggles prepare you for the great things coming your way. If that’s the case, I can’t wait to see what 2025 is going to bring.
I don’t know what it is I don’t know what it isn’t That for some reason I am not worthy of your love I don’t know what it is I don’t know what it isn’t That for some reason I am not worthy of my own Maybe this is the answer to that Maybe the mirror cracked When I looked at it Presumptuous and vain Thinking I was ready Maybe the mirror cracked To show me not the way But my distortions When I knew them by heart and thought them conquered Presumptuous and vain Running not towards light But false reflections When the mirror cracked And I realized that for all my efforts I would never reach When the mirror cracked And my distortions exploded And my hopes were shattered Into as many razor-sharp shards Presumptuous Vain Vanquished I don’t know what it is That makes me recoil The reflection showed a broken path And I fell And maybe this time I am tired And maybe this time I don’t get up And maybe this time I learn the bitter lesson I don’t know what it is I don’t know what it isn’t That makes me so But the die is cast And it is faith gone And it is hope lost Because the mirror cracked And the light was snuffed And I got lost In the ashes of dead dreams
